Tomorrow Doesn't Know Me

This essay is a week, maybe even two weeks, overdue. Oh my god, I’m failing Philosophy, I just know it. I give up. But I can’t. This essay isn’t an essay, if it was, it wouldn’t be so bad. It’s a summary of an essay, which is just reiterating what’s been said without giving an opinion. The teacher is nice but a hardass when it comes to grading. I’m honestly losing motivation to do much these days even though I got into Sac State. Anthropology and Philosophy are just killing me. I’m barely making it through math as it is. The last test was a crapper, mostly because I got really sick and missed an important week and came back to find a midterm waiting for me. I’m still kind of sick too.

I’m not having any “dangerous” thoughts but it’s just to the point where I feel so much pressure and stress that I don’t know what to do. Well, I know WHAT to do but doing it…I’ve been sapped of my will and strength.

Like right now, I should be working but I’m not. Do I care? Yes, I do. But I’d rather just start crying than do anything because I feel like it’s too late. I fucked up. The end. I just want to vanish right now.

-bangs head on table-

Okay.

It’s midnight thirty and I have barely anything done for my Phil 111 Essay. It’s not even an essay though, it’s just a summary of two really long and boring articles. I never thought someone could have made sex sound as boring as politics but they have. Congratulations to the fellows in the 60s for doing that for me. Thanks. Really. I just don’t care anymore but I have to pass this class. I just don’t really want to do this assignment. And the class itself is getting super complicated with terminology and logic and it honestly makes me feel even more stupid than math. My god…

So I’m stalking tumblr for a while to ease my pain aka to procrastinate.

I’ve caught up on Downton Abbey, Switched at Birth and will catch up on Phi Brain tomorrow while I catch up on my math.

After pushing my math hw off to the side last time, I’ve realized that doing it all in one sitting, the night before it’s turned in, is a bad idea. Sure I should have seen it coming but hey…lesson learned. Right?

I’ve taken two 5 Hour Energy Shots and half a pill of adderall. I have the shakes and my asthma is now acting up.

I never thought this essay would give me so much of a headache but it’s terrible. I can’t summarize stuff, I have to put my opinion somewhere but if I do, I’ll bomb the essay and will have to retype it, which reminds me, this time I am saving it so I can redo it when the time arises. The last time I turned an essay in and had to correct it, I had to write it all over again with the new corrections because I didn’t know we could turn it in again for a higher mark.

Sigh.

Part of me wishes my Fairy Godmother would poof in and I’d wish to have the essay done with an A. Then I’d wish for Michael Fassbender to be my husband and then I’d wish that I could get into a good school up North and Michael would move with me. I’d go to school, he’d make movies, we’d be so happy together. Wishful thinking.

Hell, if I ever met or saw him in person, I have no idea what I’d do. I mean I’d want to be all cool and collected and not be another weird fan of his. I want to be a person he can befriend. I just wish he wasn’t so perfect.

Who am I kidding? I love his perfection.

But part of me is certain that if I never stumbled upon his existence, I’d be happier without knowing what kind of man a man can be and I’d find someone normal. But noooo…Michael comes along and ruins my standards with his eyes and teeth and accent and face and overall body and talent and kindness. Women everywhere have to deal with the fact that men like him are super rare and that many will now have to settle with whatever they get. And poor men, they have to compete with Fassbender. Who knows how many chicks are thinking of Fassbender when they’re having sex right?

Anyway…

I hope someday I can write an essay about Michael, instead of this boring ass essay about sex and commitment.

My back hurts, I’m cold, I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m trying to get started just so I can finish.

An all nighter is probably what I’m going to have to do though. Even though I took all those energy stuffs, I wanna go to bed. I got plenty of rest last night and the day before so I guess this won’t kill me. The essay is another matter though.

Maybe I’ll just try to take the thing in small bites. I’d almost rather eat fish…

Well I’ve started going to therapy again, this time it’s at SBCC. It’s regarding my school stress and emotional crap. I made an extra appointment to go in tonight after Anthro and talk about this issue I have with Schriber Sensei. If I am still crying over it, it hasn’t been resolved. I have so much to think about, even now. Part of me has been toying with the idea to pop in and get everything off my chest, whether he likes it or not.

I’m not sure what I’m expecting though. I know what I’m not expecting though and that’s a sincere apology. I have no idea why he stopped caring and turned his back on me. I do have a few theories though. They don’t matter though, if only to soothe my restless heart. And I do not mean that in a romantic way. Not at all. I trusted him and looked up to him.

Anyway, I should save my confused venting for tonight eh? I’m a lil pissed that my USB won’t fit into the computers in the cyber center but when I go to the library, they fit. They’re the same computer. WTF!? It’s not fair. I don’t wanna walk in the heat all the way across campus to use another computer when I have one right now. I might pause for lunch in a while. I was honestly hoping to work on NaNo. Maybe I could use FB or this but I’d rather have it all in one place, hence the USB!

Argh.

I really hate having to balance a million things. Apps to colleges, school work, emotional issues, family stuff and blaaaah.

If app fees really are 55 bucks, i better only pick 3-4 and not like…6. Damn. Well who knows what’s gonna happen. And that’s what I hate! I hate not knowing things. It’s probably why i need closure and balance. <3 being a Libra usually but it can be a real drag sometime haha.

Anyway, I’m running out of things to say and yeah. I’m gonna stalk the Guild for a while till I decide to get lunch.

Yeah I need my adderall today.

Clearly I can’t do anything productive without it and I need it badly this weekend.

It’s Sunday afternoon, I haven’t done anything! I’ve tried! I stayed up till 6 in the morning and only had half an Intro to show for it. I still have to write up and spruce up my Anthro paper. I have a Math midterm on Tuesday. I have a PD Powerpoint due this week, thankfully I did most of it already. And I have an English Extra Credit Essay due soon! Someone might say, fuck, ditch the essay and work on something real!

Well I wanna do this. I told my teacher I would and the prize is 500 bucks. I need money! I wanna help my rents out so I’m not relying on them as much. I mean the 500 bucks could help me for like 4-5 months as far as food goes! That’s money they could be putting into other crap like fixing my dad’s car or paying their bills.

Whatever.

I’m also doing it for me though.

Anyway I’m totally procrastinating when I should be drooling over Brave New World and kicking ass!

See ya!

Yeah today…

Well yesterday I met with a counselor to make sure I’m not gonna stay at SBCC for another six billion years. Turns out I’m ok. Of course I should be better but eh. Anyway I think it was a big wake up call that I need to get my shit together and fast. It’s not going to happen over night but I am trying. I have to. So to help, I’m trying to make day plans for studying and trying to get some outside help. Better late than never right? Uh don’t comment. Anyway I’m waiting for Ana to get here so we can study for our English Poetry Test. We had an essay due also, which I finished. I hope it’s enough. I also had a Math test today. Busy busy!

Anyway it’s hard to believe that I’ve been at SBCC for almost three years now. God. I cannot keep doing this to myself and my parents. But if I get into the touchy stubject that is school and crap and grades and shit, I will be forever bummed.

So anyway!

Harmony is awesome. Harry and Hermione. Like OMG…I love them so much. I’ve always thought they would end up together even just from the first book. They seemed so cute! As the books/movies went on, my idea of them as a couple became even more hyper focused. I mean all Ron does is make Hermione feel like crap. He makes he cry, hurts her, leaves her, is mean to Harry. Frankly Ron is a bad friend. He has been since Book/Year Four. I loved him 1-3, I did. But when he became a first rate dick in year four, I had enough. Harry is never mean to Hermione and if he is, he apologizes. Harry and Hermione work so well together, it’s magical! Anyway my hands cannot type as fast as I can think so…

Maybe I’ll continue this later. I just wanna wrap this up in case Ana shows up soon, I hope she does. Maybe I can convince her to go out to dinner with me some time. XD

I am so…I’ve has a terrible week and today is just the top of it. Like shit frosting.

Tonight Bladewind and I argued. It wasn’t yelling or name calling. It was subtle disagreeing but the tone was there. And it was nasty and passive aggressive. Shit. I don’t wanna talk about it because it is SO stupid.

Anyway Brandon decided he’d come down next weekend but not after 12 hours did he back out. That is so unlike him and I am pissed off. That was something I was looking forward to and then he made up some lame excuse about the weather. I mean shouldn’t he want to see me more than go to the beach? What the fuck.

And then I was getting over my math issues and bam, now I still don’t know I can make up some of the tests that I failed at. If I can’t, this will just leave me continously discouraged. I can’t take it. It’s too soon but I honestly am considering suicide.

God.

I thought I was over this silly shit.

Then to pique my curiosity, I went to see if DMV was really handing out sissy vertical IDs to underage people and they are. Holy shit my idiot brother was right…what pisses me off is that I’m a month away from 21 and they still gave me a fucking retarded ID. Now I have to go back into DMV fill everything out, take a decent picture again and order it. This is just shits and bananas folks. God. This is all just coming at me so fast. Too fast. I’d rather have one big issue than a bunch of tiny annoying ones. It’s like when it fucking rains, it fucking has to pour.

I don’t know what to do. Stein is being helpful but…I’m just so lost and annoyed and angry and confused and hurt and sad and lonely and frustrated and bored and busy and stressed and…tired. So tired. This past 7 days has been pure hell, I can’t even describe it well enough but trust me, this is one of those times in life where everything sucks. Everything. I had thought I was pulling out of it and then Fate pissed on me again. Thanks. Thanks sooo much.

In all of us, there’s a little magic. A little sparkle.

Today I have just ended my long saga with JK Riowling’s Harry Potter series.

No more new books. No more movies. No more. Nothing. It’s done. It’s over.

I feel so sad, I’m nauseated.

Harry Potter was a large part of my childhood and now it’s over and it hurts.

Some may say get over it or not me as emotionally invested into a book series, but I was and I still am. I’ve made friends through it. I grew up alongside Harry. I understood his angst. I grew up knowing, just knowing, Harry would end up with Hermione. I was a creative kid, Rowling gave me hope that someday I could become a successful author. I mean, before her books…magic wasn’t cool at all. She made a world that we can dream about. I mean what if there really is a Hogwarts? What if there are magical events outside of our knowledge?

What if?

The series made me write fanfiction, roleplay, think about acting, get into reading, get into writing. It did so much for me. It helped me socialize and dream.

I am going to miss the excitement of waiting for anything HP related. I mean my only hope would be going to Orlando, FL to the theme park or getting on Pottermore when it comes out.

A blanket of overwhelming depression has fallen over me and it’s smothering me. Drowning me.

I know HP will always be alive inside, I’ll always tell kids (I don’t want any of my own) about the greatest series I’ve read and how it stands out. It has so many themes anyone could relate to. And I will always believe Harry and Hermione belong together. They do. They’re prefect together. They have a bond that Ron could never relate to or even change. They need each other. Hermione has no need for Ron who is an idiot for the most part. He may have moments of brilliance but he could never treat her the way she deserves to be treated.

Anyway…I just feel so sad. All I can do is RP now it seems.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I just need time to process I guess.

HP means a lot, it always will be. If I had to pick pairs, I’d put Harry/Hermione in for sure. Then Ron/Luna or Nevile/Luna. Ginny deserves to die alone, so does Ron but I guess he and Luna go together. Draco/Hermione or Draco/Ron would have been interesting. I’m also an old Snape/Harry fan. I also rooted for Dumblerdor/McGonagall. Yeah. I have roleplaying now. Thank you JK, for a great series…even if you fucked up the ending.

Okay so my mom is being a total skag bitch about how I don’t want to go to MN with her and the family.

Last time I checked, I had a choice in life…and yet she says if I don’t go, she isn’t allowing me to go to Grandma’s funeral when she dies. Like wtf. Morbid much? I honestly don’t feel the need to see Grandma before she dies. What good will it do? Will it save her life? No…

And I just don’t like MN and spending money on a trip that is boring and useless.

This has nothing to do with Grandma herself, I love her, she’s awesome.

But I just don’t want to go to the unholiest state in the US for two weeks.

I have shit I gotta do.

I’m not a kid you can boss around so I guess my mom thinks she can guilt me but why hasn’t she learned by now that it won’t work?

I just don’t want to go. I love my Grandma but I don’t want to go.

I see no point in spending cash and being miserable when I have school and classes to get ready for. MN is totally boring and I’d be on my laptop if I stayed or went so why go? I mean I can stay home and look after things and the dog. It’s not like I’d enjoy family time with my two boring parents and my stupid brother. Save the money, I don’t care but the way she is acting is fucked up. How can she just say that I’m not allowed at the funeral?

Well fine, whatever.

It would be depressing anyway and in MN…

Grandma knows I love her.

My mom is just being a bitch. I’m gonna go e mail my grandma and tell on her.