eowynning:

‘I think your new years resolution should be to really focus on losing weight, think of how much prettier you’d be if you did’

Well fuck you too

Sounds just like my mom…

Really.

I’m in some kind of hell where I have to do critical thinking with logic for philosophy.

This isn’t the fun quirky questions that make you look at reality in a new way, no these have weird words and meanings and it sucks. I’ve tried to pass my exam three times already and my highest score was a fucking 52%. Really? Yikes, and this time I thought I was going to at least get a C but I did worse than last time. I have one more chance to take it tonight but I feel so defeated. I honestly thought I was getting it and clearly I’m not and I don’t know what to do.

I have to get a C in this class but so far, I’m getting off on the wrong foot and I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry. I’ve done the reading and I’m just not sure what is going on. I’ve had enough already.

School makes me feel like shit….and my parents wonder why I want to drop out and go live under a bridge like a troll. -sighs-

My mom can be pretty ruthless sometimes.

She can be one hell of a sarcastic naggy bitch that makes me believe that I won’t cry until about ten years after her funeral. No, she’s not dead yet…but man sometimes I wish she was.

Despite how fun my family gatherings can be, they’re not enough to help me weather storm that is the hell hole I live in. My mom has a talent for being so damn condescending, it’s like she can sneak in an insult to me without batting an eye. It’s always something. I mean, I could list the same long list of defects she has but I don’t.

And why don’t I?

God, if I could reach up and strangle her, I just might. Too bad I’m so damn short…I’d need a stool and she’d then see me coming and probably make another jab at my self esteem. She wonders why I don’t spend time with her…but why would I when she makes me feel terrible about myself? It’s been a long time since I cared what others thought, but she can still somehow take away that independence. Why is that? How is that?

Maybe my mom is the reason why I don’t want to become a mother myself.

Urgh how cliche.

Either way I wish I was going back to school this year so I could get away from her. I’ll just keep hiding and maybe she’ll forget I live here too. I know she just turned 61 and needs a break but I’m 21, almost 22 for crying out loud. I am my own person and I don’t need her crap. I can’t even begin to imagine how things will be in 10-20 years? -shakes head-

Time to get to know the girl behind the rambles, rants and everything in between. Let’s do this bitch!

APPEARANCE
[X] I am shorter than 5’4”.
[] I have many scars.
[X] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[ ] I wear glasses sometimes (not anymore)
[X] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.

[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[X] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I want to adopt someday. (maybe)

SCHOOL/WORK
[X] I’m in school
[ ] I have a job
[X] I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always did my homework.
[X] I’ve missed a week or more of school.
[X] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I’ve stolen something from my school.

EMBARRASSMENT
[X] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[X] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[X] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[ ] I’ve glued my hand to something
[X] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.

HEALTH
[X] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[X] I have a disease/impairment.
[X] I’ve broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I’ve sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[X] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I’ve had chicken pox.
[X] I have asthma.

EXPERIENCES
[X] I’ve gotten lost in my city
[ ] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[ ] I’ve wished on a shooting star. (ha)
[ ] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[X] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[X] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[X] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I’ve been skydiving. (hell no)
[X] I’ve gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I’ve played spin the bottle.
[X] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I’ve crashed a car.
[X] I’ve been Skiing
[X] I’ve been in a play.
[X] I’ve met someone in person from the internet. (still great friends too)
[X] I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I’ve played chicken.
[X] I’ve played a prank on someone
[X] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[X] I’ve eaten Sushi.
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date
[X] I miss someone right now. (thanks for that)
[X] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[X] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[X] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them and didn’t get a clear response.
[X] I’ve felt rejected even if I wasn’t.
[X] I’ve loved someone I knew a friend was already in love with.

HONESTY
[X] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[X] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[ ] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world
[X] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[X] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[X] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[X] I shut others out when I’m depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[X] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[X] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I’ve woken up crying.

DEATH
[X] I’m afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals. (never been to one)
[ ] I’ve seen someone die

This essay is a week, maybe even two weeks, overdue. Oh my god, I’m failing Philosophy, I just know it. I give up. But I can’t. This essay isn’t an essay, if it was, it wouldn’t be so bad. It’s a summary of an essay, which is just reiterating what’s been said without giving an opinion. The teacher is nice but a hardass when it comes to grading. I’m honestly losing motivation to do much these days even though I got into Sac State. Anthropology and Philosophy are just killing me. I’m barely making it through math as it is. The last test was a crapper, mostly because I got really sick and missed an important week and came back to find a midterm waiting for me. I’m still kind of sick too.

I’m not having any “dangerous” thoughts but it’s just to the point where I feel so much pressure and stress that I don’t know what to do. Well, I know WHAT to do but doing it…I’ve been sapped of my will and strength.

Like right now, I should be working but I’m not. Do I care? Yes, I do. But I’d rather just start crying than do anything because I feel like it’s too late. I fucked up. The end. I just want to vanish right now.

-bangs head on table-

Okay.

It’s midnight thirty and I have barely anything done for my Phil 111 Essay. It’s not even an essay though, it’s just a summary of two really long and boring articles. I never thought someone could have made sex sound as boring as politics but they have. Congratulations to the fellows in the 60s for doing that for me. Thanks. Really. I just don’t care anymore but I have to pass this class. I just don’t really want to do this assignment. And the class itself is getting super complicated with terminology and logic and it honestly makes me feel even more stupid than math. My god…

So I’m stalking tumblr for a while to ease my pain aka to procrastinate.

I’ve caught up on Downton Abbey, Switched at Birth and will catch up on Phi Brain tomorrow while I catch up on my math.

After pushing my math hw off to the side last time, I’ve realized that doing it all in one sitting, the night before it’s turned in, is a bad idea. Sure I should have seen it coming but hey…lesson learned. Right?

I’ve taken two 5 Hour Energy Shots and half a pill of adderall. I have the shakes and my asthma is now acting up.

I never thought this essay would give me so much of a headache but it’s terrible. I can’t summarize stuff, I have to put my opinion somewhere but if I do, I’ll bomb the essay and will have to retype it, which reminds me, this time I am saving it so I can redo it when the time arises. The last time I turned an essay in and had to correct it, I had to write it all over again with the new corrections because I didn’t know we could turn it in again for a higher mark.

Sigh.

Part of me wishes my Fairy Godmother would poof in and I’d wish to have the essay done with an A. Then I’d wish for Michael Fassbender to be my husband and then I’d wish that I could get into a good school up North and Michael would move with me. I’d go to school, he’d make movies, we’d be so happy together. Wishful thinking.

Hell, if I ever met or saw him in person, I have no idea what I’d do. I mean I’d want to be all cool and collected and not be another weird fan of his. I want to be a person he can befriend. I just wish he wasn’t so perfect.

Who am I kidding? I love his perfection.

But part of me is certain that if I never stumbled upon his existence, I’d be happier without knowing what kind of man a man can be and I’d find someone normal. But noooo…Michael comes along and ruins my standards with his eyes and teeth and accent and face and overall body and talent and kindness. Women everywhere have to deal with the fact that men like him are super rare and that many will now have to settle with whatever they get. And poor men, they have to compete with Fassbender. Who knows how many chicks are thinking of Fassbender when they’re having sex right?

Anyway…

I hope someday I can write an essay about Michael, instead of this boring ass essay about sex and commitment.

My back hurts, I’m cold, I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m trying to get started just so I can finish.

An all nighter is probably what I’m going to have to do though. Even though I took all those energy stuffs, I wanna go to bed. I got plenty of rest last night and the day before so I guess this won’t kill me. The essay is another matter though.

Maybe I’ll just try to take the thing in small bites. I’d almost rather eat fish…

Well I’ve started going to therapy again, this time it’s at SBCC. It’s regarding my school stress and emotional crap. I made an extra appointment to go in tonight after Anthro and talk about this issue I have with Schriber Sensei. If I am still crying over it, it hasn’t been resolved. I have so much to think about, even now. Part of me has been toying with the idea to pop in and get everything off my chest, whether he likes it or not.

I’m not sure what I’m expecting though. I know what I’m not expecting though and that’s a sincere apology. I have no idea why he stopped caring and turned his back on me. I do have a few theories though. They don’t matter though, if only to soothe my restless heart. And I do not mean that in a romantic way. Not at all. I trusted him and looked up to him.

Anyway, I should save my confused venting for tonight eh? I’m a lil pissed that my USB won’t fit into the computers in the cyber center but when I go to the library, they fit. They’re the same computer. WTF!? It’s not fair. I don’t wanna walk in the heat all the way across campus to use another computer when I have one right now. I might pause for lunch in a while. I was honestly hoping to work on NaNo. Maybe I could use FB or this but I’d rather have it all in one place, hence the USB!

Argh.

I really hate having to balance a million things. Apps to colleges, school work, emotional issues, family stuff and blaaaah.

If app fees really are 55 bucks, i better only pick 3-4 and not like…6. Damn. Well who knows what’s gonna happen. And that’s what I hate! I hate not knowing things. It’s probably why i need closure and balance. <3 being a Libra usually but it can be a real drag sometime haha.

Anyway, I’m running out of things to say and yeah. I’m gonna stalk the Guild for a while till I decide to get lunch.

Yeah I need my adderall today.

Clearly I can’t do anything productive without it and I need it badly this weekend.

It’s Sunday afternoon, I haven’t done anything! I’ve tried! I stayed up till 6 in the morning and only had half an Intro to show for it. I still have to write up and spruce up my Anthro paper. I have a Math midterm on Tuesday. I have a PD Powerpoint due this week, thankfully I did most of it already. And I have an English Extra Credit Essay due soon! Someone might say, fuck, ditch the essay and work on something real!

Well I wanna do this. I told my teacher I would and the prize is 500 bucks. I need money! I wanna help my rents out so I’m not relying on them as much. I mean the 500 bucks could help me for like 4-5 months as far as food goes! That’s money they could be putting into other crap like fixing my dad’s car or paying their bills.

Whatever.

I’m also doing it for me though.

Anyway I’m totally procrastinating when I should be drooling over Brave New World and kicking ass!

See ya!

Yeah today…

Well yesterday I met with a counselor to make sure I’m not gonna stay at SBCC for another six billion years. Turns out I’m ok. Of course I should be better but eh. Anyway I think it was a big wake up call that I need to get my shit together and fast. It’s not going to happen over night but I am trying. I have to. So to help, I’m trying to make day plans for studying and trying to get some outside help. Better late than never right? Uh don’t comment. Anyway I’m waiting for Ana to get here so we can study for our English Poetry Test. We had an essay due also, which I finished. I hope it’s enough. I also had a Math test today. Busy busy!

Anyway it’s hard to believe that I’ve been at SBCC for almost three years now. God. I cannot keep doing this to myself and my parents. But if I get into the touchy stubject that is school and crap and grades and shit, I will be forever bummed.

So anyway!

Harmony is awesome. Harry and Hermione. Like OMG…I love them so much. I’ve always thought they would end up together even just from the first book. They seemed so cute! As the books/movies went on, my idea of them as a couple became even more hyper focused. I mean all Ron does is make Hermione feel like crap. He makes he cry, hurts her, leaves her, is mean to Harry. Frankly Ron is a bad friend. He has been since Book/Year Four. I loved him 1-3, I did. But when he became a first rate dick in year four, I had enough. Harry is never mean to Hermione and if he is, he apologizes. Harry and Hermione work so well together, it’s magical! Anyway my hands cannot type as fast as I can think so…

Maybe I’ll continue this later. I just wanna wrap this up in case Ana shows up soon, I hope she does. Maybe I can convince her to go out to dinner with me some time. XD